Every time I tell people that I take a cold shower every morning, do not consume alcohol, do not masturbate and I do not care if the food is delicious as long as it is healthy I see confusion in their eyes. Especially women. But I do not blame them, ascesis is a man’s game. Why? Tell me at least one ascetic prophet or saint from history who was a woman. Exactly. Since this is cleared up, let’s move on to the shocker I provide to contemporary society. Yes, I do tell people all of that. Just to see their pretty faces afterwards. And they do look confused because their first question is usually what is wrong with you? The second one is how do you relax? And lastly, they start to care about my level of happiness. Seeing all that gives me mixed feelings. But I do not blame them, since I know that I have tried their way, and they never tried mine. So let me expand on my lifestyle and what is actually wrong with me.
I did all of it. Played it bohemian and had wild parties while trying to become a rockstar in my teenage years. Wasted myself to the bottom level. I was into following every Instagram model and gave a lot of my precious time to pedestalise their online presence. I was a lot into eating junk as a form of numbing myself and getting satisfaction from it. And there were moments when I felt horrible on my day job, at home, just generally – in life. And I do not think that I was exceptionally degenerate. I see people doing these things every day then I walk outside, talk to them or just watch. This is modern life. This is our culture. This is called normal.
But I was always feeling that something was wrong with all of this. Maybe I watched too many gurus or read too many books on self-development, but I have always felt that there is this unconventional way of living outside this shit show. Bit by bit I have experimented with drinking water only on my nightouts. Later came abstinence from artificial sexual stimulation. I have got myself some new addictions. Better ones this time. Cold showers, exercising and fasting. And this way, slowly I have started falling in love with all of it…
There is a term called monk mode. People call this name a process where one abandons all stimulus and entertainment to solely focus on one or several important life goals. Some think that the purpose of the monk mode is to hit the goal and then relax, which means getting back to the old ways. But the ones who actually try it realize that it is not the achievement of certain career goals that is the prize, the monk mode in itself is the prize. How? Listen carefully.
Abstinence allows your body to get back to its natural state. Yes, that presence and that body before you fucked it up with all there was. This is a divine experience. You begin to enjoy things that others don’t. Like the tingling sensation of spring weather. Excitement for a cup of coffee. Silent whisper of your thoughts and inner monologue. Deep pain that you can hold while you are immersed in cold water. A godly taste of simple fresh salad that gently touches your tongue. Affection and desire in the eyes of someone you find attractive. That deep and satisfactory gaze delivers fuzzy, calm, yet quite intimate warmth and a feeling that everything is all right in this world. You realize that most people don’t get to feel these things. They are too busy looking outwards for more comfort, more money, more fame, and more attention only to satisfy something of a lack within them. And the more numb they become, the bigger the void and the harder it is for them to experience it. So what is wrong with me? I don’t know, maybe only that now I feel very different from the ones around me. Different from all of them, desperately seeking things and trying to get somewhere. Somewhere where I have already arrived at.
Tomas. Seeing a new share from you drop in my mailbox started to give me this response: "Which one of my experiences is he writing about this time?" Your words, your style, familiar experience.
Really well written. I wonder - did you experience any pain or discomfort or fear on your ascending path of ascesis? And if so, how did you manage that and keep the temptations of hedonism at bay?