Beyond Kindness

The Fundamental Basis Of Human Interaction And Growth

Kindness is the most important thing.

I hear that a lot. From podcasts to motivational YouTube and virtue-signalling posts on Instagram. Kindness is often hailed as the most important virtue. But is it really? We live in the age of feelings. Putting them on a pedestal is sublime, putting them aside is demonic. Yes, the Steve Jobs era might be the previous chapter. Being a dick won’t take you to a balanced and enlightened life. However, it can significantly contribute to the creation of the iPhone on which you are reading this text. And if you already hate me for this newsletter, simply contemplate this. Being kind won’t pay your bills either. Nor it will feed your children. Or make you better at basketball. Ok, let's get things straight, am I shitting on kindness? What is more important than kindness? Is it important at all? If you’re still here, let’s dive deeper. But first…

Personal life and work. These are the settings in which we can address the idea of being kind. To be absolutely honest with you, there is no real separation between these two. Life is a singularity. Everything affects everything else. In both personal and professional settings, the principles of function and value are paramount. No matter the culture, or social setting. But for the sake of the structure of this article, let’s assume there are things like work and personal life which have their own frameworks.

Migrant Mother by Dorothea Lange, 1936. An image showing a strong maternal figure providing and protecting her children during the time of The Great Depression.

Friends and family. An intimate part of your life. Want to be a good mother or father? Husband, wife? A friend? Then approach these relationships as work. Yes, family and friends. This means prioritising function and value in everything you do. But isn’t it strict and inhuman? If you are an adult, not at all. It is your everyday reality. If you are honest with yourself and think about other people, this is how you approach things. In a family, as a parent, your primary function is to be a caretaker and provider. Or your older grandmother in a different setting. Simple but crucial stuff. This includes paying bills, helping at home, teaching, and offering emotional support. Now imagine a parent who is kind but does not fulfil his duties to a child. Imagine a parent who is nice and sweet, but does not perform. Yes, you get the idea. With this type of parenting, we wouldn't be here reading this piece.

The family setting is established, but what about friends? Want to be a good friend? Deliver. Organise stuff, tell good jokes, provide work opportunities and social connections. That will create value for your friends. This is how the world works. It is a value exchange. Social, material, emotional, and spiritual exchanges form the bedrock of meaningful relationships.

Being a good parent, partner, or friend involves more than just kindness; it requires providing, supporting, and sometimes making tough decisions, delivering feedback that people need to hear in order to grow, instead of sugarcoating everything and avoiding conflict.

Basket of Apples by Paul Cézanne. The value delivery is the basis of all relationships.

Work setting. If you made it until here, this should be a no-brainer. In order to survive at a job, performance is the number one quality to have. If there is no performance, you are simply fired. Yes, the atmosphere in which you organise your work and deal with co-workers and employees is very important. Some companies may keep you because others like your personality. This exists. They call these people vibe executives and all the other fancy names. Still, it is based on performance, just a different type. However, all people are different. Some respond to kindness well, others require a more strict approach and take it as a sign of safety. They respond better to structure and challenge. Sometimes you have to create pressure to make things happen. Common, we are all adults here. You know that it is happening every day. To be effective at work, you should be able to deliver both, the honey and the vinegar. Good leaders know how to use so-called tough love to reach the desired performance and result.

A harsh and demanding mentorship in the movie Whiplash (2014). This film showcases the concept of tough love in pursuit of excellence.

The pyramids, the French Revolution, and the invention of the automobile were driven by vision, grit, skill, and perseverance first. Sure, kindness played a role, particularly in collaboration and influence, but it was not the sole driving force. These achievements were the result of a combination of factors, including hard work and determination.

To make it clear, I do not propose that kindness is not important. In fact, it is crucial for smooth relationships and creating opportunities. Finally, it is what will help you to feel balance, peace and integrity. However, I take performance, value and function as a foundation of human interaction and the key thing in life - growth. I do not think it diminishes sincerity and pure heartedness in relationships with my friends, family or work colleagues. On the contrary, it strengthens and enhances them. Also creates a context where kindness is even more valuable. Deliver. And be kind.